


Fiore Dell'inferno

by phfatbeatrice



Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Explicit Descriptions of Self-Harm, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29255136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phfatbeatrice/pseuds/phfatbeatrice
Summary: She looked at the blade glistening in the candle light. The young girl had told herself she wasn’t going to do this anymore. She had promised herself that she would stop. Sana Futaba held the razor in her thin fingers, her hands shaking a little — a problem she always dealt with. The blade she was holding was one she had produced from a box she had brought from her parents’ house.
Kudos: 12





	Fiore Dell'inferno

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to cope with my own mental health, so if it's poorly written or something like that, that is why. I've not edited this and it was all written on my phone last night while I was kind of drunk lol >.> Anyway, please read at your own discretion. As the tags imply, there is graphic descriptions of self harm and romanticizing self harm as well.

She looked at the blade glistening in the candle light. The young girl had told herself she wasn’t going to do this anymore. She had promised herself that she would stop. Sana Futaba held the razor in her thin fingers, her hands shaking a little — a problem she always dealt with. The blade she was holding was one she had produced from a box she had brought from her parents’ house. 

The young magical girl had promised herself she was going to be safe and not press the blade against her flesh anymore after the shock and upset an Uwasa she had grown close with had expressed. Having someone, even if it was Ai, telling her this was not good had really emotionally hit her. She knew that it was bad. She had known since her habit of marring her skin had started. But to be told by someone who cared for her that it was bad... it hit different. 

Since moving into Mikazuki Villa, she’d not craved that stinging pain, the ache of healing cuts, the frustration of hiding the wounds from everyone else. She had been happy. The fact that that happiness was waning scared her. 

Sana hadn’t had anything that had changed to make her feel particularly worse. Maybe it was the simple truth that she was unseen by anyone who wasn’t a magical girl. Maybe it was that she knew she had no place in her family home still. Maybe it was her past. Either way, the longing feeling of the pain to her upper forearm, hips, thighs... maybe she was being dumb. 

Sana put the blade down onto her bedding as she contemplated the feeling. Thinking back to before her wish hurt. Even shortly after her wish... anytime before meeting Ai was poor for her. She remembered sitting in her room, cutting her flesh over and over again, disregarding all thoughts of the bloodstained sheets. Remembering the thoughts of her parents’ hate of her existence to the point of pretending she wasn’t real... it made her want to take the razor to her throat. But she had settled for her arms, legs, stomach, anywhere she could reach with the blade. She remembered laying in her bed naked, embracing the feeling of being lightheaded from the sheer volume of bloodloss she endured. It was better than any drug she had tried (not that she had tried many) or any organic feeling she could create. It also carried her through so many hardships. Despite the scars that riddled her whole body just about, she couldn’t help but romanticise what she had gone through. 

The young magical girl touched her face, unsure of when the tears began running down her cheeks. She couldn’t even begin to piece together what had caused them. There were so many sad points in her life before Mikazuki Villa... before meeting Iroha. Of course, being with Ai had uplifted her quite a bit as well. But thinking of the Uwasa made her cry harder. She missed Ai. She had been a friend that she undoubtedly would have stayed with for all eternity if given the chance. Ai was her first friend. Ai was the first one who understood what it was like to be truly alone. Ai was the first one to see her in so long. 

Sana had picked the blade back up. She knew this was stupid. She knew that she could easily make it all stop if she just approached one of the other 3 who stayed in the house with her. She could easily silence the voices in her head telling her that she missed the feeling of her skin being split open at her own hand. She could easily end it all by knocking on anyone’s door, telling them the looming hate for herself she harboured. But Sana couldn’t find the strength. She instead bit her bottom lip as she ran the sharp tool against a deep scar near the crook of her forearm. The way the blade dug in hurt, but with the scar tissue of the previous wound, it felt hollow and like a shadow of what it could be. 

The green haired magical girl pressed the blade down hard and dragged across the scar already etched into her skin. Blood didn’t immediately well up, instead the wound showed a whiteish material under the skin, alongside a layer of yellow. It began burning before it started bleeding, the wound deeper than the original scar had accommodated. 

Sana didn’t grab anything to dab away the blood. She instead studied it as it began bubbling up and out of her flesh. Maybe it was because of adjustments to her soul gem by the Coordinator or it was just how numb her brain really had become but she had barely felt any pain from the wound, despite the undeniable fact that it probably needed attention. Ever since she had contracted, harm to her body had been muted. This seemed applicable to her harm as well — even when she had cut herself in front of Ai. 

The young magical girl pressed the blade down again, right next to the first. Blood practically poured over to the blade but it didn’t stop her. She moved the razor across her flesh again, pressure making her scarred skin split under the stainless steel against it. 

Sana had forgotten just how much she had enjoyed this coping mechanism, one she hadn’t taken full advantage of since she had run away from her parents’ house. It made her head buzz with an otherwise foreign feeling of relief. She couldn’t help herself as she went in for thirds. 

The small magical girl struggled with the thoughts of who she was and where she had ended up. Any sane girl would be so happy and excited to become involved with the others at Mikazuki Villa. However, thoughts of her home life before she contracted, what a mistake it had been to take Kyuubey up on his offer, and the consequences of her actions up to that point made her enjoy every new wound to her already scarred flesh. 

Anyone who looked at Sana could tell that her medium of coping had been cutting if they looked too close. She had scars everywhere. Her neck, her chest, her arms, her legs, her hands even. She would run her blades along any surface she believed would hurt. The ones that bled the most and hurt for the longest were her favourite. 

The magical girl finally put the razor down after her pyjama pants were soaked in her blood, ten neatly lined up cuts riddled her upper forearm. She had considered cutting her legs too but that would have been pushing it, she had decided. 

Instead she sat in her bed, staring at the barcode she had carved into her arm. Blood was already everywhere, her left hand covered in it, the razor covered in it, her pyjama pants so coated under her bleeding arm the fabric stuck to her thighs. Sana wanted to say she had outgrown such immature coping skills. She had wanted to say that she was healthy, healed by all of those meaningful people around her. However, her want for such a thing didn’t make it the truth. She was still the same self-destructive girl she had been before. 

Sana let out a weak chuckle, one that devolved into a painful sob. She was so weak. Any strong person would have asked for help. They would have stopped themselves from cutting so freely. They definitely wouldn’t be relishing in the feeling of losing so much blood. 

If anything, she felt like she was undoing any help she had received. She was throwing it out, disregarding it. She couldn’t help but think that as she watched more blood pump from her arm onto her thigh, down the bloodstained fabric of her pyjama bottoms to the sheets. 

_“You’re undeserving of the Futaba name.” “Why don’t you just disappear?” “We don’t want you here.” “You make us ashamed to even see you.”_ Words of disdain from her family lingered her in her ears she she closed her eyes and clinched her fists. She could feel the prickling of tears again. She was upset with herself for allowing such bitter thoughts to bleed into her mind once again. She gripped her hair and let out a sob before pulling her hands away from her head, balling them into fists and hitting her head and face over and over again as she cried. She just wanted the thoughts to stop and they hadn’t. She had cut herself, caused herself to bleed and it wasn’t enough. The haunting sounds of her parents disowning her played on loop in her mind and it made her curl within herself and tears to continue to taunt her. She just wanted it all to stop. 

Was it not enough that she had lived through it? Was it not enough that she had endured those hard moments and found a place for herself? Their words stuck to her like glue. She couldn’t dissolve the adhesive as hard as she tried. Instead she fell over in her bed, the feeling of her upset making it hard to breathe. She sobbed and gasped as she clawed at her scalp, hit her head, and scratched at the fresh cuts on her arm. She wanted to do more. She wanted to do so much more. 

What felt like days past as the invisible girl cried in her bed. Her head hurt, her surrounds smelled of blood, and she couldn’t even say any of it had helped. 

The green eyed magical girl summoned her soul gem from the ring on her left hand middle finger, ignoring the way the ring glistened with the blood from her fingertips as she had itched at the cuts on her right arm. The soul gem she held was a deep forest green, a stark difference to her normally otherwise bright emerald the stone gave off. Seeing how muddied her gem had become made the magical girl anxious. She couldn’t risk releasing her doppel in the boarding house. For one, she didn’t know what kind of damage it would do, but she also didn’t want the others to know how upset she had truly become. 

As if on autopilot, Sana sat up from her bed. She rolled into her house slippers and started down the stairs — not even bothering to clean her sheets or change from her bloody pyjamas. She simply transformed once outside of her room, a way to cover how much she had really been bleeding. 

The depressed girl walked her way out of the house without telling a single person where she was planning on going. Maybe it was because she didn’t know herself. All she knew was that she needed to leave. Releasing her doppel was imminent and she would hurt anyone who found her in that state. She couldn’t control where her swingblade went, what was hit with the saws, how much blood would be shed. It was simply better for everyone if she went to find a witch to take this wrath out on. 

Sana wondered the dark streets of Kamihama ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of sweater-like material of her top rubbing against the starting to clot wounds on her arm. She knew that going to fight a witch with the deep wounds she already had on her arm, the blood she already lost... it wasn’t the smartest decision. But seeing the way her soul gem swam with impurities, it wasn’t avoidable. 

Her nearly corrupted gem reacted to a sense of magic nearby and she practically ran to it. Her heart pounded in her ears as her surroundings twisted and shifted, becoming somewhat fantastical as she was drawn into the labyrinth of the witch. Thinking of where her mind was at, Sana could feel the painful twist in her chest. The twist hurt, it felt like a stake to her heart. The feeling had shallow echos of throbbing that made the green haired girl sway from the strain. She found an area of the barrier she could lean against and took in a few breaths to force herself forward. If she released her doppel before she found the witch, things wouldn’t be good. 

Sana had to focus hard on the feelings of magic, the pain of her imminent corruption overshadowing everything else. She followed the faint sense of foreign magic, trying to find the eye of the storm, where the witch was. It was undoubted that this witch wasn’t originally a magical girl. Judging from the somehow recognisable surroundings, Sana could only assume that this witch was a familiar that had fed enough off of humans’ curses that she had developed into a witch.

Once her emerald eyes landed on the figure of the witch, Sana lost her footing. She fell onto the ground and bit her bottom lip as the pain of her own curses shot through her. It would be any second now that she would be blinded by her own hate, her own rage for her past that she would release her own impurities onto this witch. She let out a cry of agony as the feeling of her soul being ripped apart was all that she could sense. All of her was consumed by the misery of the truth of what Magical Girls were originally damned to become. Hadn’t it been for whatever the Magius were doing, she would be dying. Learning of doppels from Ai, hearing the Magius speak within the barrier of the Uwasa she inhabited had taught her of this ability to simply purify herself with letting it all go. It was scary, but Sana was damned otherwise. She undoubtedly would have talked herself into becoming a witch if it hadn’t been for doppels. It was one of the only things Sana could thank them for. 

Another cry in pain before Sana felt the air around herself shift. The doppel born from her soul gem, half of an iron maiden like torture device became apparent beside her. While in a daze, Sana watched as the blades, spikes, shears, and chains targeted the witch on the other size of the room within the labyrinth. 

The feeling of relief that came with the release of her curses left Sana feeling faint. The barrier around her wasn’t dissipating and she only briefly caught sight of a damaged, yet still alive witch charging for her before she lost consciousness.

———

“Sana! Sana!” A voice called out to her as she slowly began to come to. She felt arms around her form, a fuzzy feeling of warmth around her. “Come on, wake up!” As she gathered her consciousness, she recognised the voice as Iroha’s. 

The small magical girl opened her eyes slowly and it was like there was a collective sound of relief from more than just the curtains of pink around her. It took her a few seconds to gather that she was no longer in her magical girl uniform. She was confused of what had happened. The whole night felt like a blur that she couldn’t quite piece together. 

“Saaana!” Iroha cried out and held onto the dazed girl, tears in her soft eyes. 

Sana let out a small hum before speaking, realising she sounded distant to herself. “Wh-what happened...?” She couldn’t remember much of anything. It took her a few seconds of thinking hard before she remembered how she had bled all over herself and her bed after cutting. Unintentionally, she pushed against Iroha to get away from her after remembering this and realising she was not in her magical girl outfit anymore. 

Iroha looked shocked but didn’t fight Sana in her attempt to be freed from the older girls arms. She had tears running down her face and she looked disheveled. “I- you-...” Iroha tried to explain but found herself too upset. 

“I had heard the front door close so I got up to check what the noise was. That was when I found that your door was left open. I gathered everyone to follow you after I found your bed covered in blood.” Yachiyo answered, her tone somehow calm, despite how tense she looked. 

Sana looked down and saw her light green pyjamas soiled with blood from her right arm, to her right leg and down the fabric to where it would have ultimately pooled under her where she had been sitting if she were still bleeding. The sudden feeling of fear shook through her and she shifted to get up from the asphalt. 

Yachiyo intercepted her by standing in her way. “I can only infer that you decided to leave because of whatever caused this, yes?” She spoke, her tone chillingly calm. That calm tone wasn’t reflected in her eyes, which were like dark blue lakes of anger.

Sana looked between Yachiyo and Iroha before she noticed Felicia. She had always seen Felicia as loud and a little overbearing at times, but a girl she could respect for having so much strength despite her own past riddled with pain. However, in that moment, the blonde was using her hammer to keep herself standing as she tried to look tough but she was obviously worried and panicked, her eyes rimmed with red from tears she had shed. 

“And you decided that it was a smart decision to go to a witch, despite already being wounded. If we hadn’t been only minutes behind you...” the anger in Yachiyo’s eyes turned into sadness for a moment and she looked to the side. “You would be dead right now.” 

The green haired girl gripped the fabric of her pyjama top as she let her eyes drop to the street they were all huddled on. She was shaking, her mind racing. Dare she explain she left because of her doppel? The others knew about doppels — Iroha had experienced it herself. She didn’t know about Felicia or Yachiyo. She’d never dared ask, since it was a point of contention caused by the Magius. 

“I don’t know what caused you to harm yourself tonight. But you almost harmed all of us.” Yachiyo continued, “That was so... so stupid of you.” Her own calm voice broke a little. Yachiyo. The strong leader. The one who was a veteran magical girl. The one who could live through it all. Sana had even managed to hurt her. 

The thin girl touched her arm, wanting to press the cuts she had made, to find them not there. She let out a gasp and turned to Iroha, who was still crying a little. “I-I’m sorry, Sana.” She said softly, picking up on the nuance of the situation. 

Yachiyo let out a small hiss before she grabbed Sana’s arm, pushing the bloody sleeve up. She revealed an arm with no open wounds. Even the scars Sana had cut over where gone. “This isn’t the answer.” The veteran magical girl said in a rather shaky tone, unlike one she had used prior. “Why didn’t you come to one of us?” She said as she let go of the smaller magical girl’s arm. 

Sana hadn’t managed to say a word after her original confusion had dissipated. No, she was dumbfounded. Seeing the three closest people to her so upset over her irrational decisions had rendered her speechless. She couldn’t find the words to voice what she wanted to say. Why hadn’t she just approached one of them? 

“I...” Sana said softly, her voice shaking as she tried to put her thoughts into words. She wrung her hands, her mind simultaneously blank and racing at the same time. “I... don’t want to hurt anyone...” she managed to say, her voice trembling with anxiety. 

Iroha pushed herself into a standing position and moved a little closer to Sana, who was still facing Yachiyo. “Sana... we’re your friends. We’re all supposed to help each other through this...” Now that she had found her words, Iroha continued. “Didn’t I say that I would never leave you alone again?” 

Sana shifted her feet a little as she stared at the ground. She was still wearing her house slippers. “It’s... wouldn’t I just be offending all of you if I told you I wasn’t happy...?” She muttered, her voice just above a whisper. 

Finally Felicia spoke up, “Whatever’s makin’ you sad, we’ll just bam! bang! blow it away!” She said, trying to put on a strong face despite the upset she had clearly been experiencing as well. 

Sana didn’t want to acknowledge the slight bite of bitterness she got at the thought of the inability to just beat up what made her sad. It wasn’t that easy. This wasn’t just about something physical that had caused her sadness. This was about the trauma that sat with her no matter how much she smiled, no matter what good experiences she had to replace the bad. The indentation of those bad experiences would always be there and no matter how much she tried the good experiences would never fill every single hole left by the bad. 

Yachiyo was the next one to speak up again, “Sometimes painful things can’t just be rid with violence, Felicia.” She said quietly before she took a step closer to Sana and embracing her. “I know what it’s like to feel that emptiness some nights. The feeling that you can’t fix that feeling, no matter what you do. But the best way to combat that is to tell someone. I pushed everyone away for a very long time and it got me nowhere.” 

Iroha smiled a little at the thought of what Yachiyo was saying. When the two had met, Yachiyo had been cold and callus with no intention of warming up to anyone — even pushing away old friends like Momoko and Tsuruno. If there was anyone in Mikazuki Villa understood that line of thinking that feeling meant being alone, it was Yachiyo. “Come on, guys. We should go back home. I’m sure Sana’s cold, out here in just her pjs.” 

Sana stuttered a little before shaking her head, “N-no, I’m fine.” 

“Either way, it’s probably at least 2 in the morning. If any of us want to get up at a decent time, we should be going… Can you walk?” Yachiyo asked Sana, noticing the way the smaller girl was swaying a little. 

The green haired girl nodded, “Y-yeah, I can.” She said as she put her hands to her chest. She was a little cold now that she thought about the temperature around her but she tried not to think about it. 

Iroha unclasped her cape and put it over Sana’s shoulders, giving her a small smile. Even despite the fact that her magical girl outfit covered less of her body than Sana was showing, she looked like she was too worked up to be cold. “Come on. Let’s go home. We’ll drink some tea….” Iroha said before she said, “You can stay in my room tonight to sleep, okay?” 

Sana was about to speak up about being invited to sleep with Iroha, but was interrupted by Yachiyo, “I don’t want you alone tonight. This isn’t an option.” She said, “Besides, your sheets need washed before you can sleep there again.” 

Felicia put a hand on Sana’s shoulder and grinned at her. “We are gonna have beef stir fry tomorrow too for dinner! Yachiyo said so herself!” 

Even despite the quiet buzzing in the back of her mind, Sana still smiled at the way Felicia spoke. The way everyone came together to try and help made her almost angry at herself for letting herself fall victim to her own poor mental health. “Thanks, guys.” Sana said with a small smile. “This all means a lot to me. I’m sorry for scaring you.” She knew that she should have spoken up before. She shouldn’t have let the negative thoughts take over her like she had. 

Sana couldn’t wait to get home, back to the comfort of the Mikazuki Villa. She didn’t know how she was going to explain everything to her friends but she knew she needed to tell them. She needed to tell them why she had hurt herself, why she had left, everything. For tonight though, she needed to recover from releasing her doppel. She needed to relax for the night.


End file.
